A while ago I posited an April Fool's version of Fortress, one played, just for one day, entirely with super-soakers. Now, while this sounds like an excuse for a wet t-shirt competition, it's actually an exercise in changing the rules of Fortress to encompass complete non-violence without losing its insane heart, and in working out what kind of trunks the Team would, conceivably, wear.

Demoman: The Demoman's projectiles are, of course, replaced by the basic water-balloon, which is either thrown or shot out of the pipe-gun.

Engie: The Engie's role stays the same in all but name; rather than setting up a dispenser, an Engie fits a tap and hosepipe to any given surface, and uses that to power heavy-calibre dual-action hose-guns. This, obviously, limits the placement of 'sentires' to within the range of the hose, but since placement is limited already this shouldn't be too much of a bother.

Scout: A minor alteration to the Scout's basic role; instead of a bat, he carries a water-balloon, which can be thrown boomerang-style, retaining the middle-range fighting capacity and long reload time of the 'classic' or 'dry' Scout.

Sniper: Basically, the sniper rifle fires water jets (effectively ruining its internal mechanism, I'm sure). As per the rules of sniping, a longer time 'scoped in' results in a higher-pressure jet of water, resulting in maximum soakage.

Medic: The Medic is equipped with two of your basic hairdryers, replacing the medigun. His role remains the same, except that 'healing' constitutes drying off team-mates rather than actually healing them. Similarly, the hypodermic launcher would fire water in the same way that a sprinkler does (in little spurts, and with ballistics, mind you) allowing the good doctor to take the occasional offence.

Heavy: Being made out of plastic, the Heavy's gun is slightly lighter (the sheer weight of water in its tank making the difference negligible, however). The combat style stays the same in every way, except that spinning the barrel results in a helix of water jets, rather than being a prerequisite for firing at all.

Pyro: Being encased in rubber and asbestos, he is harder to damage than the other classes (water, unlike fire, drips and can get into the cracks in even the most fireproof of suits), but can only use a water-firing 'flamethrower' whose range is extremely limited, forcing an attacking Pyro into very close-range encounters.

Soldier: The Soldier's rocket launcher fires water balloons, and as such cannot be used for launch-jumping, but which does pack the most clout of any weapon in Fortress because of the balloons' sheer velocity.

Spy: The Spy is equipped with a water pistol and a handful of ice-cubes - to replace the butterfly knife. Rather than cloaking and backstabbing, the Spy will cloak and drop an ice cube down his victim's trunks (thanks to Chemicalalia for that brainwave); however, he can be uncloaked by being hit with a jet or balloon (because doing so ruins his nice neat vest) making Spying slightly more difficult.

PS. Where I'm from, you play super-soaker-war in your swimwear (or pants if none are available) which is the reason for the above travesty of hairy legs.